DISCOMFORT

Wallahi. My heart hurts. The throbbing pain attacks me from every angles and it doesn't make me sit still. And to tell u what I'm so in love these days. I dun even know is it love or I simply blessed by lovely ppl around me. This feeling got me feel like I'm a poet. Suddenly poetry becoming my soul nourishment. So is it love? Cuz ppl keep saying love felt sweet n sunshine and all moon and sun. But I'm afraid it's only temporary. Happiness doesn't last forever right. I'm afraid getting attached n engaged to something. I'm afraid I might lose. I always a confident woman in my life. Bouncing off all hardships n obstacle in front of me. I'm not easily shaken off by the mere 'sweet-talking' like these Malays called 'mengayat'. I rejected a lot. I don't see the necessity of love. Dont get me wrong. I believe in love. But not the type that 'I met u on social media n already bulshitting with the I-LOVE-U words'. It a less than 10 sec confession n doesn't sound important. It sound cheap.

Men or women when your beloved uttered this beautiful 3 words he/she must said it with emotion. U know the 'swept up my feet' kinda feelings? The face to face confession. The one u do with a workload of preparations. Not renting expensive restaurants, doing extravagant preparations kinda things. Not that kind of preparations. Its more like a preparations to utter the beautiful words, the courage that brought u to say it. The situation where u flushing red by the time u said it. You just wanna hide behind a rock with a smile plastered on ur face, thinking how brave and what silly things you had done in your life. That's how importance the delivery of these beautiful words. Simply cuz it reflect your feelings, your desire and your needs. It looks beautiful to me. And he did that. He got me weak on my knee. This man sparked the innermost feelings within me that I thought had died. He's beautiful in eyes. Like a galaxy that displayed effortless beauty that's how he is to me.

I can feel the rushing blood and all happy hormones combined as one everytime  I received his calls. I can feel the smirks and smiles can't escape my lips when he's talking. I can't stop laughing to his jokes. Wallahi. Is this love? As much as I convinced myself he's a friend, a new friend that cross the boundary that I set. I think I might lose this battle. He might be my special one. He came in too strong. Not once but trice. I might be bold enough to reject him previously but I dunno bout this time. Like haylee sang, 'I forgot juz how i ledft u. I was insane'. Im insane. He is a straightforward man. A lovely voice with the sculptured face and defined jawline. The one that made girls gooo gaga. But to make him my special one, I have to win the second battle. The biggest war. My complexes:
1. I'm not worth someone like him.
2. He's soooo beautiful that he deserve beautiful partner other than me.
3. Commitment. Commitment. Commitment.
4. Heartbroken. I hate being left out after giving my love to him. It tooks me forever to heal.